Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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my dad when a sex scene comes on
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I think this should do it.
They’re the worst 😩
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’