Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him