I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
my mom making me talk to relatives
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
the saddest jazz hands ever
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.