I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.