velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
tourist season
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat