Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.