ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.