HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I have never heard an armadillo before.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
At least try to make it slightly believable
School be like
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.