I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Children of the corn 🌽
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later