In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
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vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
This squirrel eats better than I do
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels