I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars