[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
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goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
gentlemen, hear me out
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails