[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I really had high hopes for this year though
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.