THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.