facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I need better friends
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.