John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”