I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You Might Also Like
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…