Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Sell your car
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Happy Halloween 🎃
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.