Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
wow he looks just like him
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.