I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”