Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Chicken bread
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!