My Sentiments Exactly
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There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.