My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.