8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
There’s never enough good news
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
He just like my cat fr
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?