I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.