I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.