reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have