[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
You Might Also Like
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.