*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Interior design 👌
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler