Canadian owl: Eh?
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Um … Hot Wings please
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
OH. COME. ON.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.