My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Monday Lisa
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night