Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in