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I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me too
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Bootstraps
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch