I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
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Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache