[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…