4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Put a ring on it
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”