Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂