One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.