[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Peace was never an option
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours