Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
You Might Also Like
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
sleeping beauty
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!