Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You Might Also Like
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I had to Stop for this
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
This line from Airplane.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.