Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook