Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals