Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”