馃毑+physics = winner
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I鈥檓 like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
we鈥檙e dead?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Even death won鈥檛 stop my mom from criticizing me
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
wtf management?!
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.