Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.