“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
💯😂
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”