The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
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If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law