Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.