THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Just a phase…
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.